Mommy Moment

Okay so I have to share my Mommy moment that happened yesterday.

My husband was getting in the shower and I was changing into my workout clothes my daughter who is  2 & 1/2 was in the bedroom with us. My husband was naked grabbing some underwear he forgot to take to the bathroom with him. As I sat on the edge of the bed fiddling with my socks I heard my daughter say “Mommy, he’s got a big one.” I sat there and was thinking “What?” I asked her “Do what, Galaxy?”  She was all bashful and lade her head on the bed. I looked at my husband and we both couldn’t help but to smile and laugh. I told her “Yes, Daddy’s penis is big. It’s because he’s big.” Mind you all she has a little brother and a big brother. My husband said “I give I don’t know what to say. I’m taking my shower now.”

My daughter recently has shocked me with some of the things she has said. A few weeks ago I was changing my clothes and putting my bra on and she said “Boobies are to feed baby’s.” When I went to talk to after she pointed and told me. She acted all shy and bashful. It’s right boobies are for babies. I nursed my three children.

Children shock me with what they say and do sometimes.

 

Mommy Moments

Getting my children and I ready to head out to town. Mind you those children are 3, 2, and almost 1. I had already gotten my oldest son dressed. While I was looking for my youngest son some pants in the laundry room as well as my jeans. My daughter was playing with my oldest son and my oldest son told her “you can’t get out, you can’t get out.” while he locks the laundry room door. I’m standing there looking for the clothes. I tell him to open the door meanwhile trying wiggling the key in the doorknob. I lay down the clothes I got and I go try to open the door. The door was locked I told Jasper to use the key to unlock it. He tried and tried he couldn’t get it open. after he tried a few times I told him to go check on his little brother because the little dude was in the dinning room in his highchair. I tried taking the doorknob off yet it wouldn’t budge. So the next logical way to get out of the room is out the widow. I tried taking the screen out of the window but it wouldn’t work because  of the storm shutters on the outside. I tied to pull the screen out of the screen border but it wouldn’t work so I had to rip it open and crawl out of the window. You would think just call for someone well I never saw any of my neighbors nor did I have my phone it was in the kitchen on the charge.  When Got back inside my oldest son was still trying to unlock the door but he couldn’t get the key to turn right.

Mommy moments for sure. It was a way to start the new month for sure. Today as well when they got ahold of the liquid glue. Anyways another story for another time.

No strength 

Why do I let myself get like this? why do I allow my passed feelings to come in and destroy my good mood like the wind of a tornado shortly here yet the damage lasts forever. Am I broken? Or am a normal? I can never tell these days. Broken is the new normal. Maybe I’m the new me. Or maybe the true me is trapped never to be seen but when she’s slithers her way through to shine her smile so the world can see her quickly fades. Trapped within with no strength to care enough to show.  2-1-17

Husband is away part two

So yesterday was the second day that the husbands away. I cleaned the house up some. Mind you my house has gotten way out of control. Ever since my depression hit I don’t care to do anything anymore. I simply made myself get up and clean the house and set a home for me to do a few things a day and do normal daily stuff each day till the house is clean and my hubby is home. Picked up the all the rooms downstairs and swept, I washed clothes, mind you I have a mountain of clothes to fold up and I washed some dishes not all that where dirty. My little kiddos help me do it even though I had to stay on them to make them do everything. And yep again I forgot it was Monday so the trash didn’t get took out. That and it was poring down rain outside while cold when I remembered yesterday morning. Today I finished cleaning the kitchen. Only thing I didn’t do was wipe the inside of the fridge. But I did throw out everything that was bad. I washed one load of clothes to add to my cleaniest mountain. I mopped the downstairs and cleaned the bathrooms. If you have small children learning to go to the bathroom you know that, that’s a messy job. No matter how often you clean it along with cleaning up messes. A client from my photography ordered some images today. I actually ordered them tonight along with me a few. I pray that I got all hers if not I’ll just have to wait another 3 days to get them back and tell her there taking a few days longer than planned.  I went out with the kiddos. Anyone with a small child will know that it’s a hassle to drag a kiddo a round in and out of stores well times that by three and here I am today. I went to the post office to get cash back to go to the carrefour on post to pay our internet bill then around to the mall to go to the carrefour there to look at birthday stuff for my youngest sons first birthday. After we went to the px to get supper, gas card, and house old items. While talking to my mom on the px parking lot I wanted to send her a photo of some lingirie i had purchased at the malls carrefour. When I looked and I went to take a photo i relized the check out lady did not remove the funny looking black metal detector things on clothing items. Now after dragging my kids around all day I have to do it agian tomorrow ro get those things removed and go to the comissary to get grocerys. hubbys in anothee country for the week and well i get he privilage of carring along three under the age of three. today i got as
asked and told “it must be interesting to to the grocery store?!” oh they dont know the half of it. Everywhere A mother of multiples goes knows its nver a dull momment snd life is. wry intertaining needless to say. Hubbys gone and Im all alone. again up to the starts are almost gone. The love we hold still so stronge. the bound we have no one can bind. hubbys need to learn that they have it easy.

When your Husband is away. 

 When your husband is away. So it’s 11:27 at night and I’m still awake I do not want to go to sleep. I’m tired and I’ve got a lot to do tomorrow however I don’it want to sleep. I always have this issue when my husband isn’t at home. I’ve never quiet understood it because I sleep decent when he is in the bed sleeping with me, holding me. When I go to sleep without him I’m more calm because I know he’s in the house but it isn’t the same. When he isn’t home for work or school or something going on for work I never go to bed early and I dread going to sleep. I do not know why I just know that, that is me. When my husband is away I can’t sleep. It’s a instantaneous miss. A broken routine. Nothing normal. I wonder if he feels the same way. If he misses me when he crawls in a empty bed. I know I do even with him rolling on top of me, stealing covers, hitting me in his sleep, hogging the bed, and so forth. 
Here’s to the start of my husband being gown to school for the week. Night one, day one. 🙂 
1-29-17

Galaxy’s story

Galaxy is my second born child. She is my first daughter. She’s the reason I made it through a difficult time in my life. Here is her story.

I found out I was pregnant December 20, 2013 at 6 weeks. With the due date of August 15, 2014  I had a feeling I was pregnant but I didn’t know for sure. My periods where messed up because of the birth control I was on. In  November I stopped taking the birth control because of the issues I was having on it. At 4 weeks I took a test and it was negative so I just figured my period was like it was when I was on the birth control and that was every 6 weeks I would have a period.  2 weeks later I took a test and it came back positive. I was heating the oven to cook pizza for supper for my husband and son. I wanted to move the pepperoni around and make it the letter B for baby however during the test I should have locked the door because my husband busts in and goes “are you pregnant?” while grabbing at the test laying on the counter.

On Jan 23, 2014 my husband and I finely got to see our new addition to the family. I was 10 weeks 3 days pregnant.  With life leading into a different direction my husband and I separated. With the craziness of separation my husband denied the child as his. I found out I was having a girl with my mother-n-law, and a few friends. I messaged him not caring if he knew it was a boy or girl simply because he was already starting to deny the child. I left the doctors office with a beautiful little girl in my tummy, a son with blue eyes that sparkle.

Months passed and I got huge. I did like every pregnant woman and gained unwanted weight. With the craziness life had blessed me with I was pretty much along during the whole pregnancy basically just like my first however. Being a single, 20 year old, soon to be divorced mother of two, going to college. Life in it self was a crazy and life was going nuts far from what I had ever wished it to be.  On the night I went into labor I though about contacting my husband however I know he wouldn’t care he was off sleeping with some woman he only had just met. Not to mention he had already show no emotion about the baby in anyway and denying she was his. When I went into labor and I thought it was braxen hicks contractions because I was having them regularly and would last a while and where regular but went away. This time they where not going away. I went to bed hoping I could get some rest before she decided to come. A few hours later I  woke up hurting and having contractions. I timed them and waited for a while. I then decided to go wake my mom up to tell her that I was in labor.

After being in labor a while I decided to take a shower and see if the water would help me relax. I took the longest hot shower in the middle of the night I had ever took. I even ate earlier in the night because I was hungry. I had oatmeal. My grandmother was planning on coming up and going with us to the hospital so while I was in the shower my mom went ahead and called her to come up. shortly after she got there we decided to leave because it was a 30-45 minute ride to the hospital and it was cloudy and rainy and my contractions where like 5 minutes apart. Needless to say I thought I was going to have her in the car. We made it to the hospital. When we got there they where trying to check me in I told them it will have to wait. I had like 4 contractions back to back on top of each other. They finely was like we will do this later get her up stairs. I get to a room and the nurses where trying to hook me up to a monitor and to check me out while still trying to do all the paper work. Well they’re like don’t worry about she’s coming. “Call the doctor now!” one of the nurses said to another. The contractions where on top of each other. The doctor comes in and says lets check you out so I  lay down. My water hadn’t broken the doctor  told me lets break your water and we will have a baby in less than 15 minutes. She breaks my water. Mind you that is a weird feeling when they break your water and it doesn’t break on its own. I get up on my knees on the bed with my mom and grandma on each side helping me stay up because I can not lay on my back the doctor was going to go sign in because she came and checked on my first. The doctor comes back when I let the loud holler out she’s walking as fast as she could almost running. I push once and she’s coming out I push again and I get told to stop pushing. The have to turn her sideways and wiggle her some. I get told to push again and I did and out she came. My grandma got to cut the umbilical cord. I lay back on the bed and I get to hold my beautiful little girl. She’s covered  this white stuff I later learned they called  it cheese.

Later on  I messaged my soon to be ex-husband that I had our daughter. I sent him a photo. He had our oldest son at the time down  in Louisiana. I’ll never forget the feeling I got when my ex told me I should have called him to let him know. My thought was “why, he’s not even claiming her and all he wants to do is get the free 10 days leave and he’s not bring my son home even if I do have her so why”? when we was denying the child. I stayed one night in the hospital and went home on the way home I was looking at my daughter mind you I have already noticed before but she looked just like my dad who had passed away a year before she was born down to the day. I found it very interesting she looked so much like my dad and she was born the exact day a year later from the date he died. The day after I got home from the hospital we met my ex to get my oldest son back. He held Galaxy but I’ll never forget him saying he wasn’t staying he was going straight back to Louisiana.  Needless to say I let him get back home to Louisiana and then called his Sargent and he got called right back into work and lost those days. I felt like those days where suppose to be for bring home a new baby nothing else.

I will never forget Jaspers expression when he saw her for the first time he didn’t know what to do he just kept looking at her. When I went to nurse her when we went to grab something to eat at Wendy’s he would not allow me to use a nursing cover he kept pulling it off.

Galaxy’s birth was very quick and I love her dearly.

Galaxy Raine Clairereece Chapman
Aug 12, 14
8 pounds 12 oz
20 1/2 Inches

My Stars in my Night Sky

I want to tell you some  back story on my husband and I. We’re not your tropical husband and wife. I honestly feel like we’ve been through a lot in our relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend as well as husband and wife. We’ve known each other for quite some time. We meet in the 6th grade at our church. So let me back that up a little further. Well at the end of summer my 5-6th grade year I was invited by a friend to go to this church. I wasn’t currently going to any church because the last one I went to I felt as if I didn’t fit in and I was bullied at. I liked the church although some mean kids as well as all my friends moved away. Well one Wednesday night I walked down the road to my friends house and hopped on the church van.  Never to have know so much of my life would be changed by that one decision in my life. I meet friends of my friend who invited me to go to church with her a few weeks later my friends friend that I had met at church set me up on this blind date set up type thing. I talked to him a few times on the phone and on a Wednesday night. I couldn’t tell you the date but I can tell you what I was wearing my feelings and almost word for word what happened and was said. 

I come out from the bathroom yeah the bathroom for some odd reason us girls would go in the bathroom in a group. My new friend told me he was here.  

We where standing in the fellowship building near the two side doors, I was wearing my favorite black skirt at that time and my red fancy shirt I called my Buffy shirt, sandal heels. As I walked toward him I knew it was him. We chatted for a few minutes and he gave me this necklace. Mind you I still have that necklace. He was a slightly shorter than I was with bleach blonde hair. (He hadn’t grown yet, lol) I told him we couldn’t be boyfriend and girlfriend because we didn’t know each other well however we could be friends and see where that led. We both agreed. I felt so bad but I honestly felt like we should become friends before we started dating. 
A few years passed by. I always enjoyed being around him he always made me smile. He never realized it and he probably still doesn’t he was one of the only reason I would go to church. I always hoped he would be there. Summer of 2009 we hung it a lot with all the youth activities at the end of VBS he asked me out. Not knowing it would be almost three months before we start dating. After VBS I didn’t see him again till around September. I went to TX for a month I hated not giving him an answer before I left but I didn’t see him. while I was in TX I messaged him on MySpace but I didn’t ever get a response. I came back from TX and I saw him one time I wrote and gave it to him. I’ll never forget that one Wednesday where I saw him talking to this one girl (mind you she and I didn’t get along in the least bit) I was so mad and jealous and a bunch of feelings. Like well it’s my fought. I didn’t see him at church for a few weeks when he came back it was October 13, 2009 and I had already called it up as oh well. Not knowingly knowing he was okay with it and we started dating that night. I’ll never forget how he slipped my hand in his. 
Our relationship was crazy in high school. Brake up get back together and a bunch of other crap that had happened I’ll have to write about and how we made it through another day. Skip to March 2012. We had broken up yet again I called it quits I was like I’m done loving someone who can’t decide whom and what he wants. We got into a huge fight and I got charged with assault. We had a restraining order against one another till court or if he dropped the charges. Mind you I was defending myself from someone who I told to get off of me. We where arguing over a set of car keys. That night I’ll never forget because he walked slap dap in front of a car and I pulled him in the ditch. Another story to be told another time. 
At the end of senior year we got back together. Secretly because if we where caught taking even at school we would both be arrested. He dropped the charges and we moved on and worked crap once again out. I wasn’t looking for anything serious for my summer after high school simply because he couldn’t decide what he wanted or whom. I started dating him again with the knowledge of it would end the same way it had ended many times before. As soon as he leaves for basic and ait it would be over and we would move on with our own lives. Not knowingly knowing that summer would change my life forever. The end of July I found out I was pregnant with my first. I was scared. I couldn’t believe it and I didn’t want to be simply because I knew he was leaving in a month and a half. Months before we had talked about getting married and well it was called off again. He and I talked very seriously about everything. Before we went off and got married. I was skeptical because of our passed history. We where going to wait till he got back however we needed to move paper work with the military along. So we decided to get married September 6, 2012. My now husband left September 11,2012 for basic and ait. 
We moved to our first duty station lived there a year and a lot of crap happened that year however we welcomed our first son and we found out we where pregnant with our daughter. In Feb 2014 we broke up and I moved back home. Later I can add more details in our story. In April 2014 I received divorce papers in the mail. I’ll never forget standing outside in my mother front yard talking to the mail lady and receiving that letter with tears streaming down my face. I still held my head high. Months past, fights, arguments, custody battle, denying our daughter as his, him denying the fact he was with someone else amongst other things. Months go by and in March 2015 we somehow decided to work crap out and move on. 
Sitting here in Belgium in January of 2017 with this same man. We’ve. Wen back together almost two years and I can’t believe time has passed so fast but we’re stronger than we where before we broke up and he wanted a divorce. There’s something different about our relationship now. I wouldn’t want to go through any of the last seven years again and I have wished our relationship wasn’t do crazy however who’s isn’t crazy? Gods blessed me even through the rocky relationship. We’re no longer rocky and haven’t been for almost two years. I can’t say we’re perfect but we’re pretty close to it. He’s my stars in my night sky. Oh I love my purple headed penguin. 

Getting Ready

Getting ready to leave the house is like a fishing swimming up stream. It is so challenging. Soon as you get one kids clothes are on the other two have theirs off. Soon as you get their ups fixed one cup is empty. Soon as you get one pair of shoes on the other two pair are half way off. Its a challenge and your just keep swimming yet you’re not going anywhere because something already happened to take away your progress. Three kids can be a handful and a half to get dressed and ready to go. I love my kiddos but sometimes getting them dressed and out the door takes so long.

Jasper’s story of coming into this world

Here is something I wrote back in 2013.

9-15-13

Hi, I thought I would tell you a little bit about my story, my story of having a child.   I got pregnant the summer after I graduated from high school I was 18 years old, working, and trying to live my life to the fullest and trying to get my life together.  I’ll never forget one of my husband’s friends at graduation telling us don’t go getting pregnant and then not even the end of summer comes and I am pregnant

.On August 4, 2012 I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive. I didn’t want to believe it, I didn’t feel like I thought I would when I got pregnant, I didn’t think it was real, it felt like I was having a crazy dream, I didn’t know if I was ready for a child, a child to call mine, a child to watch over 24/7. I knew I wanted children and I also knew I didn’t want to be 30 before I had my first child but I didn’t think I would be 18. My plans where to start college after right after high school but once again choices I had made had pushed off my college plans till a year after I graduated high school. I didn’t think I would ever start showing. I thought it would hit me when I started seeing my body change, also feeling the baby move. I didn’t start showing decent till I was like 26 weeks pregnant. I could tell I was pregnant and people that I knew, knew I was pregnant but I could hide it very well. I don’t know about you but all girls have this fear of them numbers we see on the scales. I know I was scared when I first saw those numbers go up, up and up but I never gained it too fast.  I gained like 37 pounds. The doctor’s appointment I had just a few days before I had my son I weighted a weight I never wanted to see again, a weight I promised myself I would never see again even if I was pregnant. I cried like a big baby because I was scared I would never lose the baby weight that I would never fit back into my pre baby weight. But I have to say I have. I CAN FIT MY PRE BABY WEIGHT PANTS!

I was due on April7th, 2013 but Jasper didn’t decide to come till the 11th. When I went to the doctor the week before I was due and they said that if he hasn’t come by the 7th that I would have to induced. I didn’t want to be induced I felt like I couldn’t fully full my duties as a woman also I heard it was way worse to be induced contractions wise. They set me up for April the 12 if I had not went into labor before then. I have to say that I was expecting labor to hurt but I was not expecting me to be in pain for a week before I had him. I was having back labor (they call it) for a week before I had Jasper. I could barely stand myself after a while because it hurt and it would not let off. A few days before I had Jasper I went to the hospital because I was hurting and I didn’t know why.  They just sent me home telling me I was having back labor and when my contractions got regular 7 minute apart and or my water breaks to come back. Well I wound up going to the hospital a few times before I actually went and stayed. I was hurting so bad I couldn’t sleep and I felt sick to my stomach and was throwing up.  The night before I had Jasper I stayed up till the pain I was having in my back let up enough where I can sleep. I was already sleeping on an air mattress because my bed was too hard, too soft, too something and I couldn’t rest on it at all. I went to sleep and I woke up like 30 minutes after going to sleep wet, around 12:30am. I thought I peed on myself so I went and woke up my mom and I asked her how I would know for sure that my water had broken. She said wait a second and I would know if my water had broken or not and surely enough my water had broken. I felt like I peed myself once again and I told her “Yes, my water had broken.” I didn’t feel any different than I have been although I water poring out of me. I asked her to go wake Michael up where I could go to the bathroom and get out of them wet clothes. I didn’t wake him up because he had to be at work in a couple of hours and I wasn’t sure if I was in labor or not. We my mom, Miss Dixie (Michael’s mom), Michael and I left for the hospital and was there a little after 1am on the 11th of April. I got there and they checked me out and I was not in labor, my contraction where not there but my water had broken and I was a few centimeters dilated. They admitted me to a room and told me that we had to get my contractions to start.  So they hooked me to an IV with fluids. They gave me a pill to help soften my cervix which they told me sometimes with some woman that it helps because contractions, it’s like a boost to help them come on.

I was hoping that it would work because they said if I had not started having contractions by 7am that morning that they would have to induce me. They asked if I wanted anything for the pain since my back hurt. I said yes because I wanted to sleep, I had not slept well in a week. They also done an ultrasound to see what way Jasper was laying because I was having back labor they thought he could have been turned the wrong way, but he was head down. I did not want to have any kind of pain killers when I had Jasper; I wanted to have him naturally. I remember going to sleep around 3-3:30am. I remember waking up because my contractions where coming on and then I went back to sleep. I woke up a little after 11am with my contractions hurting badly, although they were never regular. I could not lay on my back because my back hurt so bad so I tried the squat bar but I couldn’t do it I wasn’t comfortable so I decided that I would dry the birthing ball. The time rights before I had Jasper the nurse check me and the baby and she said he had a head full of hair. I looked at Michael and was like “What?” A head full of hair wasn’t what I was expecting. I felt like Jasper was coming out of my butt (Michael will never let that one go). All the pressure was my back and my backside when everyone told me I would feel it in my lower stomach but I never did. I felt myself ripping but it honestly just burned. I was so relieved when he finely came out. I was in hard labor for like an hour. I didn’t mind having Jasper or hurting when I had him I didn’t like the after effects of ripping. I ripped a good bit and I hated those stiches and I hated that sometimes they pulled and the worst part was the ripping I feel as if it would have been a great labor if I didn’t rip like I did. Although I couldn’t had asked for a better labor I just wish I didn’t rip because the after effects I didn’t like. Traci (my nurse) was awesome; I really liked her I couldn’t have asked for a better nurse.

After I had my baby

Jasper Maxwell Chapman

April 11, 13 at12:37pm

8lbs 2 oz

21 Inches long

I could not believe how big he was when he was born.  I was amazed at how much I loved him. I sometimes do not want to let him down because time passes fast way to fast and I love him very much! It seems unreal to me a mom, to have a son, to be blessed as much as I am. I wake up every morning well mostly every morning to a son who looks up at me with those big blue eyes and the sweetest gummy smile there ever was and I think to myself how blessed I am and that Michael and I are really lucky to have a handsome son that God allowed us to have. Children are greatest gift you can ever have. They grow up so fast I cannot believe Jasper is 5 months old. He has grown so much so fast. I love him very much

Fight within myself

This fight within myself no one ever hears about. It’s strong, it never lets go, it haunts me. I never get a second to myself without these thoughts popping in my head. I hold my head high as my mother has tought me to do. Even through the darkest of days. 

I play a role in my on life. I play the role as a mother, wife and sometimes a friend. Why I say I play a role, it is quite simple. I never feel like crawling out of bed, getting dress more less clean the house. I have no want or need to do anything anymore. I have no desire for things I know deep within I like to do with everything in me. I play the role as a mother to my children but if I had my way I would lay in bed waisting my life away. I play the role to wake up feed my kids and put a fake smile on, cook breakfast and make it though the day without losing my mind. It’s a daily affair of the reality show I play a role in. 

How I wished I felt like myself and I no longer play a role but be the role. I don’t know what causes all the daught, loneliness this depression I’ve been fighting. It’s a battle within myself to make myself get up get moving and doing something productive on a daily bases. 

The fight within myself I no longer have one simply because I no longer feel like fighting. The darkness has over come me and I’ve lost the battle still I sit here and I play a role.  With the simpleness of I have too.  The thoughts that run through my head are over powering me yet it’s a fight within myself toward myself. The thoughts tell me I’m no good, I have no friends, my husband only wants me where his kids will be with him and he has to do nothing around the house as well as a well we all know what men want, I’m fat, I’m no good and the list goes on and on. 

With the fight I fight within I will win this I will overcome this dark and bitter place I am in one way or another.